1.how the brain works.
2.how men think.
2.5.how women think.
3.how the atonement works.
4.what/why insulin works/ what it does.
5.how people fall in love.
6.injustice.
7.the internet. What?
8.what to do with my life.
9.how to make definite plans.
10.how to leave gracefully.
11.how to help people.
12.how to fix other people's problems.
12.5.how to stop thinking I should.
13.how to be consistent. that was my goal this year.
14.how to be fearless (i want this).
15.how to establish proper boundaries. with everyone.
16.how to harness talent. others' and my own.
17.my family.
18.how to be vulnerable. and be okay.
19.if i can do the things i ought.
20.how to be myself better.
(these are not in order of importance.)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Done (This one's for Dog)!!
I'm done with a super-massive project I had been working on all semester.
It feels good to finish something that's sort of huge.
It is scary to me that this project is emblematic of my undergraduate career. In a few short weeks, I will be done with that also. Apprehension is huge, and I have no idea how I will fill up my life for 8 months.
Suggestions? Anyone?
Anyone looking for a live-in nanny or maid?
In other news, my fish Dog died today. I have had him for over a year- since Brandon came up here. I got him because B was lonely in his first semester, and we felt that a fish would help ease the sting of his first time out on his own a bit (we can all remember those scary nights, when you realized that your burning Easy Mac was [soooo much like the paper I just wrote] emblematic of your melting social stamina and general well-being because really, you missed your mom and wanted to just lay down and have someone else worry about the gas bills that are due, and the fact that you are probably malnourished [srsly, Easy Mac!?], can't we?).
(I acknowledge and accept the ramifications of:
1. Run on nature of the last parenthetical sentence.
2. The disgusting-ness of aforementioned. Sorry.)
The Great Toilet in The Sky catches us all someday, I guess.
It feels good to finish something that's sort of huge.
It is scary to me that this project is emblematic of my undergraduate career. In a few short weeks, I will be done with that also. Apprehension is huge, and I have no idea how I will fill up my life for 8 months.
Suggestions? Anyone?
Anyone looking for a live-in nanny or maid?
In other news, my fish Dog died today. I have had him for over a year- since Brandon came up here. I got him because B was lonely in his first semester, and we felt that a fish would help ease the sting of his first time out on his own a bit (we can all remember those scary nights, when you realized that your burning Easy Mac was [soooo much like the paper I just wrote] emblematic of your melting social stamina and general well-being because really, you missed your mom and wanted to just lay down and have someone else worry about the gas bills that are due, and the fact that you are probably malnourished [srsly, Easy Mac!?], can't we?).
(I acknowledge and accept the ramifications of:
1. Run on nature of the last parenthetical sentence.
2. The disgusting-ness of aforementioned. Sorry.)
thanks for the graphic, cfp
Anyways, B found some friends, and then he decided he was unfit to care for Dog. So I got him. Apparently I am no more fit a care-taker for a fish named Dog than he was. I left the country for two months, and miracle-of-miracles, the little tyke survived. In spite of an aerosol nightmare and being fed by roommates twice. Maybe. Dog was a survivor, so hats off to him.The Great Toilet in The Sky catches us all someday, I guess.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Break.
Thanksgiving break begins in five minutes.
I haven't really thoroughly decided yet how I feel about that fact. Mostly I feel unprepared for it.
I also feel like it will not really be a break at all. Hopefully I will be able to let you know about my projects throughout the week. There are a lot of them, and SOME of them are actually sort of exciting. Sort of.
Anyways, Here is the question:
Do I
a. Spend Thanksgiving at home with the 3/8 of the Brown siblingdom
b. Go up to Ogden to be fought over by adoring fans, or
c. Go to Heber with dear friend Jeff to have sup with his family.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Any one of the options might be immeasurably awkward. I guess it all depends on what I wear.
I haven't really thoroughly decided yet how I feel about that fact. Mostly I feel unprepared for it.
I also feel like it will not really be a break at all. Hopefully I will be able to let you know about my projects throughout the week. There are a lot of them, and SOME of them are actually sort of exciting. Sort of.
Anyways, Here is the question:
Do I
a. Spend Thanksgiving at home with the 3/8 of the Brown siblingdom
b. Go up to Ogden to be fought over by adoring fans, or
c. Go to Heber with dear friend Jeff to have sup with his family.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Any one of the options might be immeasurably awkward. I guess it all depends on what I wear.
Monday, November 1, 2010
blargh, but good.
I am taking a break at work right now, I am inexorably tired of searching for a large enough resolution of the Vatican Tetrarchs (that didn't mean anything to you either? weird...)
I think my last post was taken as a little more morose than I had originally intended. Sorry for that. This one, in contrast will probably either be the other end of the spectrum, likely causing you (dear reader), to think that I am manic depressive, or totally bipolar. I am neither, I just have my good and bad days, just like the rest of us (right guys?? Right?).
I feel spectacular today. I talked to my dear sweet sister last night, and she pointed out that despite things being rough sometimes, we just keep going on, always trying to be the best people we can. She said that she liked that I already did that, and that made me feel ever-so nice inside. What a good human she is. Really, truly a gem.
I am aware of the general roughness of the family situation right now, which doesn't seem to be improving by any means. That doesn't mean that I have to carry it around with me every day- that is one of the best things about the gospel, I think. I have come to learn that there is a lot of healing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ- He is such a kind and loving being. I have come to know (however imprefectly) the power of the Atonement to heal broken hearts and to take pain away. It is a beautiful thing to me to have a Savior who loves me to the point of wanting to take away my pain. I know that it is rooted in love- there is no other explaination available for it. It has been hard and I am sure that things will remain hard, if not increasingly so. I have felt an outpouring of support from family and a few friends over the past week (not to mention the past few years for some of them...), and I am incredibly grateful for the love and help that is so abundantly available to me. What a terrific community.
To finish, a list of good things about today:
1. A professor who I esteem highly complimented my research today.
2. The weather is perfect. 100% divine.
3. My brother. I love that kid so so so much.
4. My house is chocked full of fantastic women. So smart, and so able, all of them.
5. I have a fighting chance of getting into graduate schools.
6 Interaction with crush No.1 went swimmingly today.
7. I am wearing my grandpa's belt (the one with the eagle swooping on the dinnerplate sized buckle). Good in its own right. On every level.
Celebratory wahoo, especially for a not-that-bad Monday. Yes, Please.
I think my last post was taken as a little more morose than I had originally intended. Sorry for that. This one, in contrast will probably either be the other end of the spectrum, likely causing you (dear reader), to think that I am manic depressive, or totally bipolar. I am neither, I just have my good and bad days, just like the rest of us (right guys?? Right?).
I feel spectacular today. I talked to my dear sweet sister last night, and she pointed out that despite things being rough sometimes, we just keep going on, always trying to be the best people we can. She said that she liked that I already did that, and that made me feel ever-so nice inside. What a good human she is. Really, truly a gem.
I am aware of the general roughness of the family situation right now, which doesn't seem to be improving by any means. That doesn't mean that I have to carry it around with me every day- that is one of the best things about the gospel, I think. I have come to learn that there is a lot of healing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ- He is such a kind and loving being. I have come to know (however imprefectly) the power of the Atonement to heal broken hearts and to take pain away. It is a beautiful thing to me to have a Savior who loves me to the point of wanting to take away my pain. I know that it is rooted in love- there is no other explaination available for it. It has been hard and I am sure that things will remain hard, if not increasingly so. I have felt an outpouring of support from family and a few friends over the past week (not to mention the past few years for some of them...), and I am incredibly grateful for the love and help that is so abundantly available to me. What a terrific community.
To finish, a list of good things about today:
1. A professor who I esteem highly complimented my research today.
2. The weather is perfect. 100% divine.
3. My brother. I love that kid so so so much.
4. My house is chocked full of fantastic women. So smart, and so able, all of them.
5. I have a fighting chance of getting into graduate schools.
6 Interaction with crush No.1 went swimmingly today.
Celebratory wahoo, especially for a not-that-bad Monday. Yes, Please.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
it was hard
really really hard to talk to my dad this morning. I wanted to vomit and cry and scream at him because I am disappointed and sad and so so mad about everything and feel so betrayed and abandoned, and about the fact that I cannot trust, and i wanted to tell him about what I believe about how we have to support one another because we promised to, and we promise to every week, and I wanted to comfort him because that is what I promise to do. Every week.
But I was scared that it would feel like talking to mom last Sunday felt: awful and dark. I hated that, and I didn't really know how to deal with it on any level. I just took a shower and cried and tried to understand the things she had said, and the things that I had said and was still saying inside my head. And then I got out of that shower and cried some more on the shoulders of some incredible women, and I think for once, I let people do what they promise to do. Every week.
Instead I just told him that I wished he was happy and I hope that things work out.
What things was I hoping would work out? I regret not telling him how I feel.
I am scared that I am shutting down again.
But I was scared that it would feel like talking to mom last Sunday felt: awful and dark. I hated that, and I didn't really know how to deal with it on any level. I just took a shower and cried and tried to understand the things she had said, and the things that I had said and was still saying inside my head. And then I got out of that shower and cried some more on the shoulders of some incredible women, and I think for once, I let people do what they promise to do. Every week.
Instead I just told him that I wished he was happy and I hope that things work out.
What things was I hoping would work out? I regret not telling him how I feel.
I am scared that I am shutting down again.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So this one time I went to Europe...
...and there are a lot of really really great things there. I resent the fact that I have not really talked about it much on here. My selective neglect is unfortunate, and it will continue. However, there are a few things that I DEFINITELY feel like you should know.
One of the great things that I did while I was in Europe, was play this little game that my friend K$$ and Chunk play on our round-the-world travels. It involves this website. It is very funny, and you should consider playing it.
So there's a lot of public art around in Europe, you know? This is one example.
So. Back to that game.
It's pretty fun to play.
Sometimes I like to go to the steps of really famous architects in places like Paris. I like that a lot.
There are more.
I will try to share them with you sometime.
Promise I will try.
-A
One of the great things that I did while I was in Europe, was play this little game that my friend K$$ and Chunk play on our round-the-world travels. It involves this website. It is very funny, and you should consider playing it.
So there's a lot of public art around in Europe, you know? This is one example.
So. Back to that game.
Sometimes I like to go to the steps of really famous architects in places like Paris. I like that a lot.
There are more.
I will try to share them with you sometime.
Promise I will try.
-A
Thursday, September 16, 2010
why I did it
I submitted my thesis for publication this week.
I got an email (so much less classy than a letter) that confirmed receipt of my "manuscript".
I would like to review the events that led up to this event in hopes to assuage the sudden and immense sense of dread that I am presently feeling about the whole debacle.
Since I got back from Europe, I haven't really done much of anything except attempt to recover my
Fortunately, It's fall. For me, fall is a time of total rejuvenation and preparation. I feel the best in the fall. Maybe because it's the last vestiges of summer, and maybe because I was born in the fall. I take a lot of cues from trees (it seems to be sort of a theme for me on this here blog thingy...). In the fall, trees drop all that stuff that's not super important for their survival (fact: trees drop their leaves because if they didn't, the dead weight would tip them over. That is neat: also a fact.) I like the way fall shakes things up. I want to shake too.
So there I was, talking with kb about nothing in particular. I love that girl. We were laughing, and I felt a sudden sense of urgency, like, I hadn't done enough yet, and if I didn't act RIGHT THEN, my opportunity would be lost.
I came in my room and for an hour (1am-2am...) figured out what to do to submit, tidied up an abstract I'd been mulling over, and sent them away into the void of the internets. Goodbye, forever? Maybe...
To be totally honest, I didn't think about it. I just went and brushed my teeth and went to bed. It wasn't until I got this stupid email confirming that my "manuscript" had been received that I began to freak out. Talk about inopportune timing, universe. Jeeze. I was having a really good evening too!
Anyways, now I am feeling really nervous and self-conscious about everything. I guess I don't really ever put myself into situations where there's a slight chance that I could be rejected. This was probably a good step for me. But for the moment, it sucks.
ps. Doesn't the term "manuscript" usually connote something a little more like this:
than this:
I got an email (so much less classy than a letter) that confirmed receipt of my "manuscript".
I would like to review the events that led up to this event in hopes to assuage the sudden and immense sense of dread that I am presently feeling about the whole debacle.
Since I got back from Europe, I haven't really done much of anything except attempt to recover my
a. sanity and
b. regular pace.
Now that I have finally gotten those back, it seems that my last semester is begging for me to loose them again. A grad seminar class (there used to be two of them, but I realized I was in over my head), three undergrad classes, a brand new (sort of intimidating) calling in church, a position in a presidency at school, prepping for the GRE and praying with all of prayer parts to get into a good grad school, a baby brother leaving on a mission, the garden, and any attempt at a social-life-outlet are all semi-huge demands. Oh. And my family is crazy, in case you forgot that little detail.Fortunately, It's fall. For me, fall is a time of total rejuvenation and preparation. I feel the best in the fall. Maybe because it's the last vestiges of summer, and maybe because I was born in the fall. I take a lot of cues from trees (it seems to be sort of a theme for me on this here blog thingy...). In the fall, trees drop all that stuff that's not super important for their survival (fact: trees drop their leaves because if they didn't, the dead weight would tip them over. That is neat: also a fact.) I like the way fall shakes things up. I want to shake too.
So there I was, talking with kb about nothing in particular. I love that girl. We were laughing, and I felt a sudden sense of urgency, like, I hadn't done enough yet, and if I didn't act RIGHT THEN, my opportunity would be lost.
I came in my room and for an hour (1am-2am...) figured out what to do to submit, tidied up an abstract I'd been mulling over, and sent them away into the void of the internets. Goodbye, forever? Maybe...
To be totally honest, I didn't think about it. I just went and brushed my teeth and went to bed. It wasn't until I got this stupid email confirming that my "manuscript" had been received that I began to freak out. Talk about inopportune timing, universe. Jeeze. I was having a really good evening too!
Anyways, now I am feeling really nervous and self-conscious about everything. I guess I don't really ever put myself into situations where there's a slight chance that I could be rejected. This was probably a good step for me. But for the moment, it sucks.
ps. Doesn't the term "manuscript" usually connote something a little more like this:
than this:
yeah...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
what the...!?
Wikipedia has an entire section of articles written in "Simple English".
Do we REALLY have to dumb down the dumbest place on the internet?
(scoffs in elitist revulsion.)
Do we REALLY have to dumb down the dumbest place on the internet?
(scoffs in elitist revulsion.)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
In other news
I am contributing to yet another blog with some fellow BYU Art History students. the blog can be found here.
Get ready.
We're going to blow the art historical canon out of the water.
Tonight is one of those nights...
...that I know I will miss someday in the not-that-distant future.
The lights on the porch are shining into my bedroom, casting their soft friendliness onto my bed and inviting me to bask here. I can hear laughter and quiet chatter from people that I love. People in the delicious community which I have helped to build and the circle of people who are rooted in a love for one another- true fiends.
I hate getting sentimental before I have to.
But my heart feels like fall. It's beautiful now, but I can feel winter coming on. The future is unwritten, and I know that the decisions forthcoming will challenge my current conditions in unprecedented ways.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Baby Brother...
God speed, buddy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
My mother understands trees
My mother is a master tree steward. She loves trees. I think she loves me too. I had a hard conversation with her last night- I am coming upon a time of great trepidation and nothing seems certain for me in the coming year. I look forward to it with hesitation and a sense of unknowing and frankly, fear.
I walk in BYU's Summer term graduation ceremony in a week. I am terrified. It's the beginning of the end of this incubation which I am not ready to leave just yet. I don't know where to go- I have no home but this one. will not have a job beginning in January (which seems like a long ways away, but really is rather pressing.)
My mom interrupted my tears and told me about trees. She said that it's so tempting to take a sapling that is just starting and plant stakes deep into the ground on its sides and tie it so that it will grow up straight and true.
She went on and told me that those are the trees without substance- without any strength or soul. When trees are growing in the wild, they encounter a barrage of insults and challenges. They don't all make it- and they DEFINITELY aren't all perpendicular to the earth. And as wild trees are growing, the winds and storms that push them around cause tiny deaths within the pulp of the tree- micro fractures in their structure.
The good news is this: as these micro fractures heal, the tree takes what it has learned from the wind, from the death caused by its incessant pushing, and strengthens itself there. That dead material becomes strong wood that holds the tree against future storms. This old, fractured part moves outward to become a fortress of bark, and new material is allowed to grow within that stern exterior.
New life flows from the ends of the branches.
These are the trees that are strong. These are the ones with substance and soul- ones who defend themselves against dearth of water and against pestilence.
My mother understand what it means to be wild- what it means to be grounded. I question her in so many ways and against so many things. I don't know if I know how to trust her, or anyone for that matter. I think I need to learn from the trees and learn again how to trust myself.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
YES! PLEASE!!
Eight(ish) hours where you get to lay down, and you aren't expected to do ANYTHING!!!
Also, my sister and I have begun this thing where I call her and she reads me a bedtime story from our childhood. It is exactly as charming as it sounds. Tonight is was Harold and the Purple Crayon, which is really quite the literary gem.
Here's to sweet dreams, keeping your wits and your purple crayon.
Good Night!!
(Image via this fantastic site which I cannot either 1. recommend enough, nor 2. get enough of.)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
good to be
I am pretty certain that my life is charmed somehow.
I need to apologize to any of you who were anticipating a more consistent documentation of my travels abroad this spring.
I hope to recount highlights here soon.
I had an amazing time, and I learned a lot.
I am happy and grateful to be back home, though.
I woke up this morning to a marching band parading itself in front of my house playing God Bless America, which I found rather befittingly ironic in the face of the fact that I spent the last two months away from my home sweet home.
I have amazing friends. I love them, and I am grateful to know them. They are my family in so many ways.
I watched a partial lunar eclipse from the bed I had made of the couch on my porch last night. It was amazing.
I took a nightswim with some amazing women. Nature is a beautiful teacher.
I am truly happy.
I am scared to branch out of this moment of joy and grow more, even though I know that it will come soon.
It is good to be home.
I need to apologize to any of you who were anticipating a more consistent documentation of my travels abroad this spring.
I hope to recount highlights here soon.
I had an amazing time, and I learned a lot.
I am happy and grateful to be back home, though.
I woke up this morning to a marching band parading itself in front of my house playing God Bless America, which I found rather befittingly ironic in the face of the fact that I spent the last two months away from my home sweet home.
I have amazing friends. I love them, and I am grateful to know them. They are my family in so many ways.
I watched a partial lunar eclipse from the bed I had made of the couch on my porch last night. It was amazing.
I took a nightswim with some amazing women. Nature is a beautiful teacher.
I am truly happy.
I am scared to branch out of this moment of joy and grow more, even though I know that it will come soon.
It is good to be home.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Crushes.
I've been thinking a lot lately about crushes.
I guess it all started when I moved into a house a few years ago, full of girls who were... very... girly. All they talked about were boys, boys, boys.
I'd never really been one to dish with the ladies, and I NEVER disclosed my secret fantasy-only-(kinda)-love-life. NEVER.
I've since moved out of that house, but those girls taught me a lot about how to be a girly girl. It was so hard for me at first, but now, I am embracing my crush side.
Hell, who knows... maybe I'll even get around to actually dating someone/having a real, meaningful (rather than a secret that nobody doesn't know about) relationship one of these days.
That last sentence sort of sounded creepier than I thought it would.
Today I realized that I have a crush in every aspect of my life. I have a work crush, a church crush, and a social life crush.
So I got to thinking about my history with these secret loves of mine. I am going to make an admission to you, oh-great-void of internetness: I have never actually dated anyone. I have had a series of intrigues and near-boyfriend relationships that were capitally unhealthy, but never the real-deal. For some reason, this has been bothering me lately.
I'm like Beyonce. All she wants is Jay-Z's baby, but she keeps making songs about how strong and independent she is!!
Probably something to do with that old biological clock thing, or something (I mean- I AM 24, healthy baby bearing age)... honest to goodness, I have three legitimate and substantial crushes right now. I am not going to get obsessive or creepy, I just feel the need to validate my infatuation(s) here.
And I felt so happy after I actually spoke to one crush boy today that I really figured I ought to express my glee.
It lasted about fifteen minutes while he finished his dinner.
I didn't have snot flying out of my nose (that's a story for another day...).
I didn't feel awkward.
We made eye contact.
He initiated the conversation.
It was actually interesting (!!!).
I was holding a giant sandwich.
I didn't say anything really idiotic.
I was funny.
I WAS FUNNY!
He was funny.
HE WAS FUNNY!
We established a future conversation path.
It didn't end uncomfortably, nor too soon or early.
There it is.
Best first real conversation ever. It made me like him all the more. I'm scared that I'm getting carried away, but this time, maybe there's at least some substance to my daydreams...
In other news, Audrey Flack is coming to lecture tomorrow.
You should look her up; she's a fantastic contemporary artist. Also, she's playing a banjo concert with a good friend. I'm pretty certain that it will be extremely entertaining.
I guess it all started when I moved into a house a few years ago, full of girls who were... very... girly. All they talked about were boys, boys, boys.
I'd never really been one to dish with the ladies, and I NEVER disclosed my secret fantasy-only-(kinda)-love-life. NEVER.
I've since moved out of that house, but those girls taught me a lot about how to be a girly girl. It was so hard for me at first, but now, I am embracing my crush side.
Hell, who knows... maybe I'll even get around to actually dating someone/having a real, meaningful (rather than a secret that nobody doesn't know about) relationship one of these days.
That last sentence sort of sounded creepier than I thought it would.
Today I realized that I have a crush in every aspect of my life. I have a work crush, a church crush, and a social life crush.
[Side note explanation: There isn't really a school crush, but that's only because I go to BYU where all "good" Mormon men major in extremely lucrative fields because of the intense cultural indoctrination about normative gender roles and the supposedly innate need for a man to provide for his family's monetary needs. I'm not saying it's wrong or that I don't think it is a wise plan, rather that it results in an utter dearth of healthy, attractive, intelligent, eligible men in my general scholastic path. There are somewhere around 120 Art History majors at BYU. 7 (on my last count) are of the male gender. Bleh.]
So I got to thinking about my history with these secret loves of mine. I am going to make an admission to you, oh-great-void of internetness: I have never actually dated anyone. I have had a series of intrigues and near-boyfriend relationships that were capitally unhealthy, but never the real-deal. For some reason, this has been bothering me lately.
I'm like Beyonce. All she wants is Jay-Z's baby, but she keeps making songs about how strong and independent she is!!
Probably something to do with that old biological clock thing, or something (I mean- I AM 24, healthy baby bearing age)... honest to goodness, I have three legitimate and substantial crushes right now. I am not going to get obsessive or creepy, I just feel the need to validate my infatuation(s) here.
And I felt so happy after I actually spoke to one crush boy today that I really figured I ought to express my glee.
It lasted about fifteen minutes while he finished his dinner.
I didn't have snot flying out of my nose (that's a story for another day...).
I didn't feel awkward.
We made eye contact.
He initiated the conversation.
It was actually interesting (!!!).
I was holding a giant sandwich.
I didn't say anything really idiotic.
I was funny.
I WAS FUNNY!
He was funny.
HE WAS FUNNY!
We established a future conversation path.
It didn't end uncomfortably, nor too soon or early.
There it is.
Best first real conversation ever. It made me like him all the more. I'm scared that I'm getting carried away, but this time, maybe there's at least some substance to my daydreams...
In other news, Audrey Flack is coming to lecture tomorrow.
You should look her up; she's a fantastic contemporary artist. Also, she's playing a banjo concert with a good friend. I'm pretty certain that it will be extremely entertaining.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
this song is amazing.
I love everything that I have ever heard from her... which isn't a ton, but i'd like to dedicate this song and video to this last weekend.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My Dear Roommate
is doing a Photo giveaway.
http://christinearmbruster.blogspot.com/2010/03/happy-monday-photo-giveaway.html
She is amazing, so you should enter. I just did.
http://christinearmbruster.blogspot.com/2010/03/happy-monday-photo-giveaway.html
She is amazing, so you should enter. I just did.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I Went to a Psychic
I'm usually a skeptic. I have the hardest time suspending my disbelief in almost everything. But tonight, while waiting for a tremendous hotdog in downtown L.A., I went with a dear friend, who we'll refer to as Boo, to a psychic.
We tried one place first, but we sat in the front waiting room for about ten minutes, we decided she was totally phony (I mean- a psychic who can't sense your presence? C'mon!), we split.
Hot dog consumed, we ventured out in search of someone legit (tongue in cheek...). We came upon a little hole in the wall crawling with little kinders and shelves and shelves full of mystic accouterments and various talismans of future wisdom. Aaaaaand it only would cost us five bucks. So... yep. We went in.
The girl was really young looking. Like late teens/early twenties young. I was surprised about how much she said... I bought it, hook, line and sinker... I'll admit it. There. Now you know.
She told me so many things- it was kinda crazy. I mean, I know that there's a certain art to reading people and then saying whatever they want to hear... If that was her objective, TOTAL WIN. Well- worth the $5.
First of all, she told me that I was a man who died for my beliefs in another life...
perfect...
She also said I was a very very old soul (my lines run deep).She explained that because I'm a woman in this life, I have a lot of really good energy. That's because I'm trying to give birth to a new soul... or something. I was trying to overcome the drama of death by working to make something good, and there was a lot of positive energy surrounding me.
She said that I have a guardian... (totally hokey here!) who died of cancer. she actually used that on me. So funny! She told me not to be freaked out, and I probably freaked her out by how little freaked out I was (I really do believe that the spiritual presence of our dead do abide with us. Yep. deep spirituality here...).
She went on and on about how I have a hard time connecting with other people, especially girls because of a lot of jealous energy directed at me, and I relate better to men (because... well... I used to be one, I guess??), which... yeah.
She told me to stay in school. She talked about how I have had and will have many, many hurdles to overcome in meeting my goals, but that because of the depth of my commitments and the strength of my soul, I shouldn't have too much trouble, rather that I have the capacity of growing from my troubles. Okay, okay. I'm in.
She said my financial woes would soon end (!!!).
Then, my favorite part, she talked about my love life. This part was... awesome.
She said I was a person who was intended to marry in this life (!!), and that I would marry for love (!!!!)... but that I haven't met my soul mate yet, and that I won't for six years or so.
Yep.
Bummer.
But she said that I shouldn't worry about it because we will be happy. Well, all you crushes, say goodbye to this former-man-soul-lady.
It's not you.
Your loss.
Sorry, fellas.
And it's too bad too, because we are going to have TWINS!
They are really special spirits because they showed up... which is apparently a rare phenomenon in people. Sweet. Hardcore babies. (I'm terrified.)
Last, she told me to write down everything because I'm meant to be known for my writing and for what I do occupationally. She said that the things I think about are important to the world and to others. So, maybe I'll write more, okay?
We tried one place first, but we sat in the front waiting room for about ten minutes, we decided she was totally phony (I mean- a psychic who can't sense your presence? C'mon!), we split.
Hot dog consumed, we ventured out in search of someone legit (tongue in cheek...). We came upon a little hole in the wall crawling with little kinders and shelves and shelves full of mystic accouterments and various talismans of future wisdom. Aaaaaand it only would cost us five bucks. So... yep. We went in.
The girl was really young looking. Like late teens/early twenties young. I was surprised about how much she said... I bought it, hook, line and sinker... I'll admit it. There. Now you know.
She told me so many things- it was kinda crazy. I mean, I know that there's a certain art to reading people and then saying whatever they want to hear... If that was her objective, TOTAL WIN. Well- worth the $5.
First of all, she told me that I was a man who died for my beliefs in another life...
perfect...
She also said I was a very very old soul (my lines run deep).She explained that because I'm a woman in this life, I have a lot of really good energy. That's because I'm trying to give birth to a new soul... or something. I was trying to overcome the drama of death by working to make something good, and there was a lot of positive energy surrounding me.
She said that I have a guardian... (totally hokey here!) who died of cancer. she actually used that on me. So funny! She told me not to be freaked out, and I probably freaked her out by how little freaked out I was (I really do believe that the spiritual presence of our dead do abide with us. Yep. deep spirituality here...).
She went on and on about how I have a hard time connecting with other people, especially girls because of a lot of jealous energy directed at me, and I relate better to men (because... well... I used to be one, I guess??), which... yeah.
She told me to stay in school. She talked about how I have had and will have many, many hurdles to overcome in meeting my goals, but that because of the depth of my commitments and the strength of my soul, I shouldn't have too much trouble, rather that I have the capacity of growing from my troubles. Okay, okay. I'm in.
She said my financial woes would soon end (!!!).
Then, my favorite part, she talked about my love life. This part was... awesome.
She said I was a person who was intended to marry in this life (!!), and that I would marry for love (!!!!)... but that I haven't met my soul mate yet, and that I won't for six years or so.
Yep.
Bummer.
But she said that I shouldn't worry about it because we will be happy. Well, all you crushes, say goodbye to this former-man-soul-lady.
It's not you.
Your loss.
Sorry, fellas.
And it's too bad too, because we are going to have TWINS!
They are really special spirits because they showed up... which is apparently a rare phenomenon in people. Sweet. Hardcore babies. (I'm terrified.)
Last, she told me to write down everything because I'm meant to be known for my writing and for what I do occupationally. She said that the things I think about are important to the world and to others. So, maybe I'll write more, okay?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sometimes when I wake up...
...this song is stuck in my head.
It's nice, but I would really like to know about how to get it out.
In other news, I realized today how much I don't know. I was getting a wee bit nervous about Europe... I don't really know why I let myself get so weird about things. I think it has something to do with my mom always trying to get me not to have expectations and telling me that having none was better than having mine crushed and un-met. I think she was right to a certain extent, but I find it to be incredibly difficult to move away from any expectation at all. I attempt to remove expectations and I find myself apathetic and disinterested. I hate the melancholic feeling I get from that move, so I keep my expectations and my sense of adventure high and intact.
So I was thinking about this (and avoiding my thesis which is... daunting at best) and I realized that I have no idea about so much of the cultures which I'll be visiting. I think I'm a pretty smart person, and when it comes right down to it, I adaptable and fun. But those things are SUPER relative to the culture inwhich you live, and I got a nervous about how much I don't know... I mean- I think i have a pretty good grasp on the culture of Flanders in the 17th century and Greece in 500 b.c., but I have no idea what Greece is like in the 21st, and Flanders no longer exists... What will I do with myself!? Anyways- I guess I need to expand myself. This is the value of travelling.
Also, I am focusing on being positive about other people. I think it's the better thing to do, and will probably be a sincere challenge for me. It's a bad habit that I've gotten myself into, and I am realizing how much effect it has. I need to stop promptly. I guess the things are all interconnected. As always.
Vincent Van Gough, Skull with a Burning Cigarette, 1886
It's nice, but I would really like to know about how to get it out.
In other news, I realized today how much I don't know. I was getting a wee bit nervous about Europe... I don't really know why I let myself get so weird about things. I think it has something to do with my mom always trying to get me not to have expectations and telling me that having none was better than having mine crushed and un-met. I think she was right to a certain extent, but I find it to be incredibly difficult to move away from any expectation at all. I attempt to remove expectations and I find myself apathetic and disinterested. I hate the melancholic feeling I get from that move, so I keep my expectations and my sense of adventure high and intact.
So I was thinking about this (and avoiding my thesis which is... daunting at best) and I realized that I have no idea about so much of the cultures which I'll be visiting. I think I'm a pretty smart person, and when it comes right down to it, I adaptable and fun. But those things are SUPER relative to the culture inwhich you live, and I got a nervous about how much I don't know... I mean- I think i have a pretty good grasp on the culture of Flanders in the 17th century and Greece in 500 b.c., but I have no idea what Greece is like in the 21st, and Flanders no longer exists... What will I do with myself!? Anyways- I guess I need to expand myself. This is the value of travelling.
Also, I am focusing on being positive about other people. I think it's the better thing to do, and will probably be a sincere challenge for me. It's a bad habit that I've gotten myself into, and I am realizing how much effect it has. I need to stop promptly. I guess the things are all interconnected. As always.
Vincent Van Gough, Skull with a Burning Cigarette, 1886
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Also!
I've had a miracle. More on that later; I just needed to validate the existence of said miracle here so that I would remember to tell about it at a later date.
Why the world is falling apart:
This semester was intended to be fun and enlightening. Instead it is basically shattering my worldview and challenging everything I've been socialized and raised to believe. I don't really know where I stand in relation to so so many things, and I feel like there's a whole lot of security that's being exposed and taken away from me... I guess it means I'm learning? Anyways, I feel like I don't have a philosophical and educational and theoretical home right now- I'm becoming a post structuralist snob that can't settle on anything.
I question everything.
I feel inadequate to write any sort of history because I want to explode traditional notion and I want to look at every *other* point of view...I watched a film about this woman, Angie Debo today:
She said something that melted my heart and inspired and intimidated me:
"Tell the truth so that other people can use it."
I liked that. I need to find the drive, the passion, the resolve and the grace Debo had. She's my new idol.
In completely unrelated news, how do you guys feel about setting people up/being set up?? Have you done it/ been victim to it?? What was it like? I need advice.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I do not understand many things
I went to see this film the other night.
It broke my heart. I'm not entirely certain what I'm supposed to do with it now, but the potency with which it effected me leaves me feeling that I must do something. I don't understand things about much of the world- I don't understand how we can do such immense and cruel things to one another. I left this movie feeling absolutely sick to my stomach and entirely outraged.
I lived with an intense and beautiful, profound, intelligent and amazing Muslim-Mormon, Egyptian-by-way-of- Sweden woman less than a year ago (so many adjectives...). She moved me in many ways- challenging me to see the world from diverse ways and to understand particular beauties about the universe. I love and miss her spirit immensely. (I ramble.) I had distinct experiences with her in long and heated discussions about the recent Israel-Palestine conflict. She gave many speeches to local concerned individuals and organized a group, Provo for Palestine, whose mission was to show solidarity and support for West Bank Palestinians affected by the war(s) that have ravished their homeland for eons. I tried to show my support and love for her through joining and participating in this group. Despite my involvement , I left many meetings feeling empty, unfulfilled and inexplicably outraged. The stance and depth of the discussion were not nearly adequate; the scope of the dialogue fell short to encompass the immensity of the situation in the Middle East. I do not claim to understand all of the intricacies of Middle Eastern politics, but I am aware of the long term ramifications and continuously bloody ups and downs of that region of the world.
This film deepened my commitment to the complexity of war. It is never cut and dry. There are always entangling obstacles and complexities. I weep for the names in which wars are fought and sons and daughters are offered as sacrifices to the gods of nationalistic pride and greed (or whatever conspiracy theory you subscribe to today...).
I compare myself to Americans and Europeans who were embroiled in WWII and had no clue as to the atrocities being committed in their names in Nazi concentration camps. What is being done in MY name?
I do not fully understand the immensely deep racism and hatred that rises in the hearts of so many. The United States helped create the state of Israel in 1949. I am struggling to grasp the ramifications of this action. I am grovelling to allow the acts committed as vindication. I am inclined to consider the recentness (that's a word?) of this map:
and the immensity of the Sabra and Shatila massacre, which the film addresses.
I guess I am left to question the effects of the two wars in which we are currently embroiled. I am terrified at the fact that the war is romanticized and removed from our sanitary reality- I feel like most of us still view war as a fantastic fairy-tale (Pearl Harbor, anyone?) that is entirely removed from our lives. I'm left shocked and offended at the inane drivel of contemporary materialistic consumerism's commercialized fun so readily made of the terrors of war. Shame on us- may this stand as an indictment to our gullible belief in our own righteousness. I move that we have NO IDEA the evils that are funded by us and in whose name lives are utterly destroyed. What makes me more that a Palestinian woman, a Jewess sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp or a refugee in Darfur? My money? My skin color? My situation? Why the hell am I so lucky?
I am grateful for films like this one that courageously take on the challenges inherent with such a weighty topic.
I can't recommend this film to just anyone. I think it is poignant and incredible and utterly worth the time you might invest, but be prepared to be moved and challenged. Be prepared to challenge just how much you understand.
It broke my heart. I'm not entirely certain what I'm supposed to do with it now, but the potency with which it effected me leaves me feeling that I must do something. I don't understand things about much of the world- I don't understand how we can do such immense and cruel things to one another. I left this movie feeling absolutely sick to my stomach and entirely outraged.
I lived with an intense and beautiful, profound, intelligent and amazing Muslim-Mormon, Egyptian-by-way-of- Sweden woman less than a year ago (so many adjectives...). She moved me in many ways- challenging me to see the world from diverse ways and to understand particular beauties about the universe. I love and miss her spirit immensely. (I ramble.) I had distinct experiences with her in long and heated discussions about the recent Israel-Palestine conflict. She gave many speeches to local concerned individuals and organized a group, Provo for Palestine, whose mission was to show solidarity and support for West Bank Palestinians affected by the war(s) that have ravished their homeland for eons. I tried to show my support and love for her through joining and participating in this group. Despite my involvement , I left many meetings feeling empty, unfulfilled and inexplicably outraged. The stance and depth of the discussion were not nearly adequate; the scope of the dialogue fell short to encompass the immensity of the situation in the Middle East. I do not claim to understand all of the intricacies of Middle Eastern politics, but I am aware of the long term ramifications and continuously bloody ups and downs of that region of the world.
This film deepened my commitment to the complexity of war. It is never cut and dry. There are always entangling obstacles and complexities. I weep for the names in which wars are fought and sons and daughters are offered as sacrifices to the gods of nationalistic pride and greed (or whatever conspiracy theory you subscribe to today...).
I compare myself to Americans and Europeans who were embroiled in WWII and had no clue as to the atrocities being committed in their names in Nazi concentration camps. What is being done in MY name?
I do not fully understand the immensely deep racism and hatred that rises in the hearts of so many. The United States helped create the state of Israel in 1949. I am struggling to grasp the ramifications of this action. I am grovelling to allow the acts committed as vindication. I am inclined to consider the recentness (that's a word?) of this map:
and the immensity of the Sabra and Shatila massacre, which the film addresses.
I guess I am left to question the effects of the two wars in which we are currently embroiled. I am terrified at the fact that the war is romanticized and removed from our sanitary reality- I feel like most of us still view war as a fantastic fairy-tale (Pearl Harbor, anyone?) that is entirely removed from our lives. I'm left shocked and offended at the inane drivel of contemporary materialistic consumerism's commercialized fun so readily made of the terrors of war. Shame on us- may this stand as an indictment to our gullible belief in our own righteousness. I move that we have NO IDEA the evils that are funded by us and in whose name lives are utterly destroyed. What makes me more that a Palestinian woman, a Jewess sentenced to a Nazi concentration camp or a refugee in Darfur? My money? My skin color? My situation? Why the hell am I so lucky?
I am grateful for films like this one that courageously take on the challenges inherent with such a weighty topic.
I can't recommend this film to just anyone. I think it is poignant and incredible and utterly worth the time you might invest, but be prepared to be moved and challenged. Be prepared to challenge just how much you understand.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
CONSTANT Procrasination
In honor of the title of this post, I'd like the internets (that's YOU!) to be aware that I have not done ANY homework this semester. That's right. ZERO. All of the reading I've done thus far is purely for pleasure. I feel great and a twinge sicky about it... I mean... maybe it's just burnout, but I maybe should get busy. I have to:
-write my thesis (which so far is AWFUL... i mean AWFUL, AWFUL).
-decide what to write about re: the Northern Baroque (tossing around ideas about costume in paintings like this one - [yes the girl's face IS creepy] or this one... just thinking.)
-do ANYTHING for my other three classes. I have no idea where to start. Maybe the syllabi.
This is great, considering that I MUST do well this semester in order to get into grad school. Read that MUST... meaning no fudging it this year. It's mandatory quality this time. I have to get busy. But first, I have to throw a birthday party and clean my room.
-write my thesis (which so far is AWFUL... i mean AWFUL, AWFUL).
-decide what to write about re: the Northern Baroque (tossing around ideas about costume in paintings like this one - [yes the girl's face IS creepy] or this one... just thinking.)
-do ANYTHING for my other three classes. I have no idea where to start. Maybe the syllabi.
This is great, considering that I MUST do well this semester in order to get into grad school. Read that MUST... meaning no fudging it this year. It's mandatory quality this time. I have to get busy. But first, I have to throw a birthday party and clean my room.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Samson + Delilah
(this first video is... pg-13.) just be forewarned, and try to go with it. The song is beautiful.
(the second video is... amazing.) Also, just go with it.
Thanks, Rubens.
This is funny
I don't care what you snooty art history kids say- The Merode Altarpiece is hilarious.
I'll prove it to you.
Beginning with the left panel, we see the donors of the work. Apparently coming home from a stroll in 12 degree weather, the couple has opened their front door to the sight of the annunciation occurring in their living room. They've stumbled and fallen at the sight.
From there, we should go behind the couple, where we will encounter the creepiest guy in all of art historical lore:
That's right, ladies and gents: Boo Radley (OR the prophet Isaiah... whatever) apparently hangs out in Flemish gardens AND behind doors in homes in the deep South. (what a creep.)
Next we move to the central panel, where we spot many hilarious things. The most obvious and awesome of which, is the baby Jesus flying through the closed window on a ray of light.
Cute. Hilarious.
Then we see the suicidally worshipful candle, who has self-extinguished at the thought of the mention of Christ's name (and immaculate appearance through the window.)
Lastly we have to ask ourselves: Why was Joseph so much older and more Mediterranean looking than his supposedly 12 year old, Northern European bride? Does this creep you out at all? I would probably feel uncomfortable hanging out with this couple. Just sayin.
I'll prove it to you.
Beginning with the left panel, we see the donors of the work. Apparently coming home from a stroll in 12 degree weather, the couple has opened their front door to the sight of the annunciation occurring in their living room. They've stumbled and fallen at the sight.
From there, we should go behind the couple, where we will encounter the creepiest guy in all of art historical lore:
That's right, ladies and gents: Boo Radley (OR the prophet Isaiah... whatever) apparently hangs out in Flemish gardens AND behind doors in homes in the deep South. (what a creep.)
Next we move to the central panel, where we spot many hilarious things. The most obvious and awesome of which, is the baby Jesus flying through the closed window on a ray of light.
Cute. Hilarious.
Then we see the suicidally worshipful candle, who has self-extinguished at the thought of the mention of Christ's name (and immaculate appearance through the window.)
VS.
Lastly we have to ask ourselves: Why was Joseph so much older and more Mediterranean looking than his supposedly 12 year old, Northern European bride? Does this creep you out at all? I would probably feel uncomfortable hanging out with this couple. Just sayin.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Adventuretime 2010
This will be a dedication piece combined with confessional. Get ready.
In my last post, I promised to write more about my darling baby bro. Well here it is. This is dedicated to him.
Last night I called him after my film meeting. He told me he was headed to the Utah Symphony. I figured he was going with some friends who are taking a music class with him, but no... It turns out he was going alone, because he thought it was awesome. He was right. I have a secret love/admiration/ appreciation/ jealousy of people who are brazen enough to adamantly do things by themselves. I do my own thing a lot, but it seems like there's always some safety in numbers behind a lot of my activities, and I always seems to be able to find someone interested in whatever I'm doing. Maybe I'm too mainstream, boring, or not committed enough to my own self. These feelings about perfectly content lone wolves leads me to a deep seated desire to accompany them on EVERYTHING they do.
So I went and bought a ticket, and after a little finagling, I got a seat right next to him.
It was fantastic to say the least. The program was a beautiful rendition of two early (and underperformed in the long run) Beethoven pieces and an hour long Rachmaninoff. I was beside myself when the Rachmaninoff began, and for the subsequent hour of delight.
Confessional time. I secretly form inappropriate bonds and relationships with the unwitting performers on occasions such as this. I spent a lot of time imagining what the bald first chair violinist was like as a kid, and why the rotund tympani decided to get into percussion as a professional choice. I had a whole thing going with the Asian violist having secret rendezvous with the dashing bass clarinetist who was a guest at this performance. I know that it's inappropriate to imagine hanging out with the entire orchestra on a casual level, but I really can't help but wonder if the shockingly white haired granny makes delicious soup and knits.
So, thank you, baby bro. It was an excellent evening by any measure.
Afterward, I went over to my friend Joey's place and made preliminary plans and decisions for an upcoming project. Be ready to have your minds blown outta your heads (By which I mean, it's gonna [I can barely believe that 'gonna' is a real word...] be really good).
In my last post, I promised to write more about my darling baby bro. Well here it is. This is dedicated to him.
Last night I called him after my film meeting. He told me he was headed to the Utah Symphony. I figured he was going with some friends who are taking a music class with him, but no... It turns out he was going alone, because he thought it was awesome. He was right. I have a secret love/admiration/ appreciation/ jealousy of people who are brazen enough to adamantly do things by themselves. I do my own thing a lot, but it seems like there's always some safety in numbers behind a lot of my activities, and I always seems to be able to find someone interested in whatever I'm doing. Maybe I'm too mainstream, boring, or not committed enough to my own self. These feelings about perfectly content lone wolves leads me to a deep seated desire to accompany them on EVERYTHING they do.
So I went and bought a ticket, and after a little finagling, I got a seat right next to him.
It was fantastic to say the least. The program was a beautiful rendition of two early (and underperformed in the long run) Beethoven pieces and an hour long Rachmaninoff. I was beside myself when the Rachmaninoff began, and for the subsequent hour of delight.
Confessional time. I secretly form inappropriate bonds and relationships with the unwitting performers on occasions such as this. I spent a lot of time imagining what the bald first chair violinist was like as a kid, and why the rotund tympani decided to get into percussion as a professional choice. I had a whole thing going with the Asian violist having secret rendezvous with the dashing bass clarinetist who was a guest at this performance. I know that it's inappropriate to imagine hanging out with the entire orchestra on a casual level, but I really can't help but wonder if the shockingly white haired granny makes delicious soup and knits.
So, thank you, baby bro. It was an excellent evening by any measure.
Afterward, I went over to my friend Joey's place and made preliminary plans and decisions for an upcoming project. Be ready to have your minds blown outta your heads (By which I mean, it's gonna [I can barely believe that 'gonna' is a real word...] be really good).
Saturday, January 2, 2010
some thoughts to start the year off
First, a disclaimer: these are totally unedited, random thoughts. Since this post will not be a cohesive argument, I'll bullet things out for you, so as not to get things fuddled. Also, it might be kinda long. Sorry. Kinda. No- I take that back. Not sorry... you don't have to read this all. :)
- I love all the 'best of the decade' playlists currently running on the radio. since the CD player in my car doesn't work, I'm left entirely to the whim of the local djs. Fortunately for me, there is one singular saving grace in the state of Utah as far as radio broadcasting goes. Basically, their playlist for the past week has been my entire ipod sans a few country secret indulgences and some oldies I can't let go of. So, no complaints there. Excellent. Thank you, independent, local, PERFECT radio. I'll miss you if I ever leave the state.
- I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I've pushed graduation back an entire year to allow myself a little semblance of extra time. I hope that it helps and I don't get lost in the mire of day-to-day again. I hate that, and I am working on focusing on long term. If i were to say I had any, that would be my new year's resolution. Think long term, act short term. I've started that goal by editing and re-editing my class load for the coming semester, and quit Job 1. Next step: go to class.
- I love my house so much. Courtney just moved in, and Meghan is on her way. Our house is already crazy and it seems like everyone and their dog (sometimes literally) come here. ALL THE TIME. (more on that later...) this coming semester is going to be even more socially full, because these ladies, in addition to the ones that already inhabit, come with an entourage. I'm sure we'll be seeing some of you around much more.
- Christmas was hard, expectedly so. I am grateful to my cousins and my brother for being such excellent support. I need to do some sort of dedication to my baby brother sometime soon. You'd love him if you met him. Promise.
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