I guess it all started when I moved into a house a few years ago, full of girls who were... very... girly. All they talked about were boys, boys, boys.
I'd never really been one to dish with the ladies, and I NEVER disclosed my secret fantasy-only-(kinda)-love-life. NEVER.
I've since moved out of that house, but those girls taught me a lot about how to be a girly girl. It was so hard for me at first, but now, I am embracing my crush side.
Hell, who knows... maybe I'll even get around to actually dating someone/having a real, meaningful (rather than a secret that nobody doesn't know about) relationship one of these days.
That last sentence sort of sounded creepier than I thought it would.
Today I realized that I have a crush in every aspect of my life. I have a work crush, a church crush, and a social life crush.
[Side note explanation: There isn't really a school crush, but that's only because I go to BYU where all "good" Mormon men major in extremely lucrative fields because of the intense cultural indoctrination about normative gender roles and the supposedly innate need for a man to provide for his family's monetary needs. I'm not saying it's wrong or that I don't think it is a wise plan, rather that it results in an utter dearth of healthy, attractive, intelligent, eligible men in my general scholastic path. There are somewhere around 120 Art History majors at BYU. 7 (on my last count) are of the male gender. Bleh.]
So I got to thinking about my history with these secret loves of mine. I am going to make an admission to you, oh-great-void of internetness: I have never actually dated anyone. I have had a series of intrigues and near-boyfriend relationships that were capitally unhealthy, but never the real-deal. For some reason, this has been bothering me lately.
I'm like Beyonce. All she wants is Jay-Z's baby, but she keeps making songs about how strong and independent she is!!
Probably something to do with that old biological clock thing, or something (I mean- I AM 24, healthy baby bearing age)... honest to goodness, I have three legitimate and substantial crushes right now. I am not going to get obsessive or creepy, I just feel the need to validate my infatuation(s) here.
And I felt so happy after I actually spoke to one crush boy today that I really figured I ought to express my glee.
It lasted about fifteen minutes while he finished his dinner.
I didn't have snot flying out of my nose (that's a story for another day...).
I didn't feel awkward.
We made eye contact.
He initiated the conversation.
It was actually interesting (!!!).
I was holding a giant sandwich.
I didn't say anything really idiotic.
I was funny.
I WAS FUNNY!
He was funny.
HE WAS FUNNY!
We established a future conversation path.
It didn't end uncomfortably, nor too soon or early.
There it is.
Best first real conversation ever. It made me like him all the more. I'm scared that I'm getting carried away, but this time, maybe there's at least some substance to my daydreams...
In other news, Audrey Flack is coming to lecture tomorrow.
You should look her up; she's a fantastic contemporary artist. Also, she's playing a banjo concert with a good friend. I'm pretty certain that it will be extremely entertaining.
6 comments:
Way to go girl! These things take time and it can be really effing hard to talk to boys so you did great! Seriously, you're so my idol right now. I am one who has "secret relationships" and I also have a crush! Maybe we should have a girl talk evening and discuss strategies, because I have been informed that that's what you need to get a bf nowadays. Whatever happened to just batting your eyelashes and shaking your hips?! Now we have to be all intelligent and humorous and shiz...
Also, as an English major I feel your pain. There are very few men in my major, and most of them are married!
Alicia! How I love you girl! Lol. Every one of your posts makes me laugh! Sorry I don't comment more often! I can't believe you went to a psychic! That is so awesome! I've always wanted to go to one, but then I think I might get addicted to what he/she says and only follow what they tell me and then royally screw up my life... yes, I've put a lot of thought into this. lol. YAYAY! So happy that you talked to your crush! keep this blog updated so I can follow along! Being a bio major there happen to be lots of men, but they are all married, premies, or still in the closet... that's just a personal opinion.. might not be true. lol. Love you lady!
you should probably stop reading my journal and disclosing its contents on the interwebs.
2 things:
*I miss living with roommates sometimes, that's when I found myself being extremely girly. I blame the high levels of Estrogen.
*I like the fact that you said, "Hell". It made my day.
Hell, I loved this post. Hell, I think you're funny.
Came to your blog looking for your first post about Europe. You are probably still settling in. Have a party over there! Blogging can come later.
Fun read about the crushes in your life. You are an interesting person. It is not a stretch to believe the reverse is true, that you are someone else's secret crush.
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