hell hath no fury

I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things just now. I want to say them to you and record them here, but I feel stuck and self-critical and so I don't.
Two things quickly:
1. I am dating someone. He gives me a lot of space, and our relationship might be a tiny bit fake, but probably is real in equal measure.

2. I am mildly scared that I am too angry to have many of the conversations that I want and need to have. I don't know how to channel that fury and frustration into words. I am scared of being angry. I am scared of the implications of being furious and the possibility that I cannot overcome it. I do not want to be angry. I want to be kind and gentle and nourishing and fun. I want to pray and feel loved and receive answers. I want to be boldly kind and generous. I want to be unabashedly fun and kind. I want to love with an open heart, not one that is protected and defensive. I really do. But I feel like there are some major blocks which I need to address with my words... If only I weren't too angry and heavy to formulate sentences. 

 

Paul Klee

Double Tent

1923

some of the times

but not ALL of the times, you see,  it's real hard to be a good Mormon/example/disciple/person.

(there are so many things to be said.)

Letter to My Future Child

Letter to My Future Child


The way you don’t exist is remarkable
When I have been hotwired, cobbled from
Spongy tubes specifically to birth. At least to bud

Would be preferable, shedding a child
Like petals drooping from a center.
I apologize profusely to you,
But I am content in my selfishness and
My love of this girl I’ve created.

Today I watched the bees graze,
The perfect mix of threat and song and binge,
And I felt I, too, could bob and maneuver.

I guess they reminded me of you:
Your toddling bumble, your absent suckle,
Your mere addition to the swarm.
You would be a plump grub in honeysuckle
Were you to be anything, but you will not

Be. This is something I’ve decided.
There is only so much life to go around; I’ll take
Two rations. The petal and the pistil.

And, hey, the calyx. The ability to share is mythic,
Like you, and who needs another creature,
Another sea monster? I already have the
Swooping vertebrae of my back, I have my bones

Diving above and below my skin
Filled with just the right amount of people:

One. How could I bring a child into this world
When I want it all to myself?
Life is that right and full of love, flowers, et al.
I’m sorry for me, sure. But most of all, Little Bee,
I am sorry for you.
-Megan Amram

 Heironymous Bosch

Beehives and Witches

ca.1515

Pen on Paper

sometimes i go

to parties and give mathletes my number when they ask me for it.
and sometimes i get texts which simply say the word "TITS" while at those parties.

and other times i am pretty sure that I will end up like this guy, minus the "flakes".
my skin is very soft and well- moisturized, don't worry.

Crushes.

I've been thinking a lot lately about crushes.
I guess it all started when I moved into a house a few years ago, full of girls who were... very... girly. All they talked about were boys, boys, boys.

I'd never really been one to dish with the ladies, and I NEVER disclosed my secret fantasy-only-(kinda)-love-life. NEVER.

I've since moved out of that house, but those girls taught me a lot about how to be a girly girl. It was so hard for me at first, but now, I am embracing my crush side.

Hell, who knows... maybe I'll even get around to actually dating someone/having a real, meaningful (rather than a secret that nobody doesn't know about) relationship one of these days.
That last sentence sort of sounded creepier than I thought it would.
Today I realized that I have a crush in every aspect of my life. I have a work crush, a church crush, and a social life crush.

[Side note explanation: There isn't really a school crush, but that's only because I go to BYU where all "good" Mormon men major in extremely lucrative fields because of the intense cultural indoctrination about normative gender roles and the supposedly innate need for a man to provide for his family's monetary needs. I'm not saying it's wrong or that I don't think it is a wise plan, rather that it results in an utter dearth of healthy, attractive, intelligent, eligible men in my general scholastic path. There are somewhere around 120 Art History majors at BYU. 7 (on my last count) are of the male gender. Bleh.]

So I got to thinking about my history with these secret loves of mine. I am going to make an admission to you, oh-great-void of internetness: I have never actually dated anyone. I have had a series of intrigues and near-boyfriend relationships that were capitally unhealthy, but never the real-deal. For some reason, this has been bothering me lately.



I'm like Beyonce. All she wants is Jay-Z's baby, but she keeps making songs about how strong and independent she is!!

Probably something to do with that old biological clock thing, or something (I mean- I AM 24, healthy baby bearing age)... honest to goodness, I have three legitimate and substantial crushes right now. I am not going to get obsessive or creepy, I just feel the need to validate my infatuation(s) here.

And I felt so happy after I actually spoke to one crush boy today that I really figured I ought to express my glee.
It lasted about fifteen minutes while he finished his dinner.

I didn't have snot flying out of my nose (that's a story for another day...).

I didn't feel awkward.

We made eye contact.

He initiated the conversation.

It was actually interesting (!!!).

I was holding a giant sandwich.

I didn't say anything really idiotic.

I was funny.
I WAS FUNNY!

He was funny.
HE WAS FUNNY!

We established a future conversation path.

It didn't end uncomfortably, nor too soon or early.

There it is.
Best first real conversation ever. It made me like him all the more. I'm scared that I'm getting carried away, but this time, maybe there's at least some substance to my daydreams...

In other news, Audrey Flack is coming to lecture tomorrow.



You should look her up; she's a fantastic contemporary artist. Also, she's playing a banjo concert with a good friend. I'm pretty certain that it will be extremely entertaining.