Thursday, October 28, 2010

it was hard

really really hard to talk to my dad this morning. I wanted to vomit and cry and scream at him because I am disappointed and sad and so so mad about everything and feel so betrayed and abandoned, and about the fact that I cannot trust, and i wanted to tell him about what I believe about how we have to support one another because we promised to, and we promise to every week, and I wanted to comfort him because that is what I promise to do. Every week.

But I was scared that it would feel like talking to mom last Sunday felt: awful and dark. I hated that, and I didn't really know how to deal with it on any level. I just took a shower and cried and tried to understand the things she had said, and the things that I had said and was still saying inside my head. And then I got out of that shower and cried some more on the shoulders of some incredible women, and I think for once, I let people do what they promise to do. Every week.

Instead I just told him that I wished he was happy and I hope that things work out.

What things was I hoping would work out? I regret not telling him how I feel.

I am scared that I am shutting down again.


oh just ehu. said...

My dear friend, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through right now. I don't know the details of it, but when it involves family, that's when it's the hardest and deepest. I can only imagine what it is you're going through and would dare say my family went through something similar this past year--if I'm going off of your description alone. (does that make sense? probably not.)

I'm grateful you have incredible women around you to lift you up and bear your burdens with you. I wish I could give you a hug. But for now, I will keep you in my thoughts and my heart.

Marge Bjork said...

i love you. a lot.

Amber said...

Love you. If you are going through what I think you are then I understand how you feel. And if you need to talk or vent to(cuz sometimes it's something you have to do) I'm there for you. You guys are definitely in my prayers! 208-709-2154