really really hard to talk to my dad this morning. I wanted to vomit and cry and scream at him because I am disappointed and sad and so so mad about everything and feel so betrayed and abandoned, and about the fact that I cannot trust, and i wanted to tell him about what I believe about how we have to support one another because we promised to, and we promise to every week, and I wanted to comfort him because that is what I promise to do. Every week.
But I was scared that it would feel like talking to mom last Sunday felt: awful and dark. I hated that, and I didn't really know how to deal with it on any level. I just took a shower and cried and tried to understand the things she had said, and the things that I had said and was still saying inside my head. And then I got out of that shower and cried some more on the shoulders of some incredible women, and I think for once, I let people do what they promise to do. Every week.
Instead I just told him that I wished he was happy and I hope that things work out.
What things was I hoping would work out? I regret not telling him how I feel.
I am scared that I am shutting down again.