and now

I graduated from the University of Nebraska on May 3. It was my half birthday; exactly 27 and a half and I felt every year of it.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My life feels not- empty, but no longer compelled now that I don't have school to demand my attentions. I have no more milestones to overcome and I have no more deadlines to meet with gusto. In some ways I might flounder for a while. I can't quite concisely assess why the prospect of this is so disquieting, but I can't sleep any more anyways.

Something about a divine and innate need to make progress, to keep growing, to keep learning and to keep gaining. This is the worrisome and uncomfortable part.

Beets and peas are growing in the back yard so I guess things are ok.

And sometimes I get to touch boy's forearms and hands so I guess things are ok.

And I have a plane ticket and a strong heart that knows a lot of different weather so I get to hope that things are ok.

I go for much longer drives alone now than I ever did before. Never mind. I have always gone for long drives; the difference is now I can do them unrepentantly and without restraint.

We're going to have a baby and it's really really scary and a little sad, I think (maybe more on this later).

Nebraska is the most pretty when you can forget all of the sprawl and just see the clouds and dirt and grass.

I think I will always find a way to love tall grass.

This is all I can muster for now.

Lakota Girl: Or How I Taught the Cornhusker Football Team to Talk About Menstruation

I am enrolled in a History course at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln where about half the students in the class are on the UNL Football team. They are in the Big 10 this year, which, I guess, is a big deal.

I was so excited when my professor asked us to bring in a discussion topic about a traditional Native American mode of teaching/learning. I used the opportunity to present the Lakota practice of Puberty Ceremonies for girls at the onset of first menstruation. 

In this tradition, girls are removed from society and taken to live with a female elder from the tribe for a week. The elder instructs the girl in the way of female wisdom, socially appropriate methods of dealing with her menstrual flow, the goodness of being a woman, her connectedness to all of life through it's existence, and the beauty that can dwell with her in this state. Furthermore, the elder teaches the girl a few games that the girl will then come back to the tribe to play, further teaching them symbolically about the flow of life itself. The process is complete when the tribe holds a giveaway and has a feast to celebrate the girl's transition.

Tradition dictates that people learn through a combination of examples being given, stories being told, and the availability of advice and counsel, culminating in application of practice. This program is a fine example of these ideas, and I was excited to talk about the implications of this.

I find it useful to talk about my own experience (... and since this is my blog, i do what I want!). It is an interesting contrast to the awkward moment where all third graders are herded into the library of the elementary school to watch a severely outdated filmstrip about "becoming a woman", regardless of individual maturity and readiness.
There were a few squirms when I began, but I was surprised and elated at student responsiveness. We talked about the strangeness of dominant (European modeled) society's removal of elements of life, which elements are essential to human existence, from educational practice.  Even the football players had something to say! They commented about how it was interesting how we are taught to be separate from our bodies in the educational system of dominant society. There are two women in the class, sisters, who are Lakota themselves. It was very insightful to learn further, that this practice is still in use today.

May this people never "vanish" as Curtis so  unabashedly claimed they would.

i have gone, i have seen, and i have returned.

And I will leave again.

 

I went to Lincoln, Nebraska last week for a visit. Despite having  a difficult week with my neckmeats, I had a rather lovely time. I met some great new friends, and was thoroughly impressed by this new city. I hope the Midwest is ready for this jelly, because I accepted the offer (tuition+health insurance+stipend+gainful employment) at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln.

It feels strange to really have a new goal in achievable sight, and to see the future looming so forcibly in front of me. (I will soon enough have a master's degree... who would have thought that would be the case?) I hope that I am ready and able to live up to the expectations I have placed upon me.

I hope most that I will figure out what I really really love before I am too committed. 

How do you know what you love?

Maybe I am scared of commitment?

In the meantime, the rest of April promises to be lovely. I am here until August. I hope to maximize my time in Provo, which is as much or more my home than anywhere else on earth at this time. Come visit me in Nebraska?

wow, yeah. Sorry.

hi there. So it's recently been brought to my attention that it's maybe a little bit annoying how infrequently I update my blog here. Sorry, guys... I guess I didn't realize you were reading for reals. I'm a real-live-work in progress. Thanks for bearing with me.
I have had a lot going on lately, and I guess I'm overwhelmed with all that there is to talk about. I will start with the things most pressing, and we'll see where we go from there.

First and foremost, my neck thing. I am still alive.

Surgery went well, I don't have cancer, and I am recovering well.  Even though I personally think it's gross, I have had *many* requests for pictures of the scar...

There it is; I'm pointing it out in case you don't get it.

It's really NBD. Sometimes the healing can be a little rough, and sometimes I maybe have a perma-double-chin look going on because of some swelling, but I digress... Things are healing nicely.
I need to thank many of you for your help through the process of having the operation and the subsequent couple of days. It was really nice to have such a fantastic support system. And! Miracle of miracles! I even got some REAL LIFE COOKIES in the mail from an angel. Seriously, so good (you know who you are).
 Aaaaaaaaaaand I started work this week at this place, which is literally just a few blocks from my house. It's great so far, and it's nice to feel like I have something real to do consistently.  I think I can make it through until September.
Which leads me nicely to my next point of business which is to officially announce that I was accepted to the art history master's program at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. It was my top choice of program... and they are sort of offering me a really (really really) good deal there. I am full of wonder and hope and nerves about what it will be like. I think I'll be calling the bishop of the student ward there to ask for some tips and some help. I haven't fully made my decision about going there just yet, as I was also accepted to BYU's program. I'm not entirely sure what to do sometimes.
Which (again) leads to my next point, which is sometimes (other times than when I don't know what to do...) I feel like it's the smartest thing to leave Provo as fast and with as much dignity as I can muster. I have been very frustrated with some things/people/cultural practices here lately (that's an entire book I could write, I guess...), and I literally cannot wait to leave. It scares me to feel so forcible about leaving a place, to have such a fortitude about fleeing a place that I have really made into my home.
I am going to visit Lincoln at the end of the week. I am excited and nervous. Perhaps I will report here.
Also, I had a really funny experience at the temple this week. Some of you maybe heard it already, but if you didn't, and want to know, I'll tell you. It's better in person, though, so I'm not going to write about it here.
And in rather un-connected pontificational news, I am really grateful for temples. Really. It had been a while since I'd been, but I was able to go twice this week. It was a really good thing for me. I am also happy to be able to hear General Conference. Lots of good things.