Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Thy Hope, Thy Confidence Let Nothing Shake

So I had this really disconcerting experience tonight… I know I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it, but nevertheless.

I have decided to go to the institute class that they offer on campus once a week. I feel good, and it feels good when I go. I had been having a really wonderful day, so it stands to reason that something would contribute to the resultant not- goodness.

So I was in institute, and the discussion was totally wonderful. I felt like I learned a lot and I felt my testimony grew. (A side story for later- I need to vent this now.)

So I get done with that around nine, and I’m all ready to go home and reflect on what I’d learned and see what my friends are doing… possibly take a shower and go to bed. So I get to my car, and what do you know- my keys are locked in the car, still in the ignition.

I know. Funny, right. I’m a genius. This is so atypical of me…I mean, I’m usually really good about stuff like that- super responsible and smart about things like NOT locking your keys in your car, or yourself out of your house, or… your roommate out of your house (another side story… funny.)

So I start to get a little worried because I realize that I’m parked in a 7am to 7pm “service vehicle only” space, with a $50 fine and a tow. Panic sets in about the next morning, when that ever- present, daunting and nemesis-like BYU parking enforcement will wreak its havoc all over my vehicle… Needless to say, I cannot afford that type of extraneous expense at this point, even with all the hours that I’m trying to put in at work. So I call my dad- the sensible thing to do.

He’s usually so great and understanding, helpful and reassuring. He didn’t answer his cell. No biggie. (I’m still as cool as the center seed of a cucumber at this point, just getting to be a little sweaty- palmed, you know.) So I call my house, which normally goes unanswered, but I figured it was worth a shot. My brother answered, and for whatever reason, when I heard him talking to me, I started to cry. (Maybe I just miss him a lot lately, or maybe it was the fact that I just needed to talk to somebody who would be likely to help me and not get mad at me, or make me more stressed than I already was. It was weird, kind of uncontrollable crying, which is REALLY UNCHARACTERISTIC. I mean, REALLY- I’m usually totally rational and stable. Serious.) So I’m standing there in the approximate 12 degree weather, crying and sniveling to my little brother, who I’m sure has no idea what is going on, and trying to think of what to do. I managed to ask for my dad, and my brother put him on.

This is where it gets good…or bad, depending on how sadistic you are…

So my dad answers. This is a basic format of the convo, without spelling or grammatical errors:

Dad: “yeah?”

Me: “um, hi, dad. Uh… are you busy?”

Dad: “yabba.”

Me: “what? *sniffle*”

Dad: “mmmmhmmmm.”

Me: “DAD?”

Dad: “sure…whatever.”

Me: “Dad, are you ok? *crying* I need some help right now, and I need to talk to you… are you ok?”

Dad: “nope, noppa.”

Me: “can you please help me!?”

Dad: “mrrrrphh, dunno.”

Me (frustrated!): “Fine. I need to go deal with this- I’ll call later, then.”

Dad: “uh-huh. Yarrsee, whatever…”

I hang up.

So then I dealt with the situation- call my mom, who kindly informed my dad that I was crying when he talked to me- he told her that he knew that… She suggested that I call a locksmith, and I remembered that I pay to have a towing company on retainer for situations just like this one, included with my rent at my house. So I phone a hero of a locksmith- Shout out to Joe at Knight Towing and Parking Services, Provo, Utah. You are a gem- thanks for making me feel better and telling me that I didn’t need to cry or pay you. You were so nice to me, and it was REALLY appreciated. Seriously.

He filled the shoes that my dad couldn’t for whatever reason, in offering me comfort when I was inexplicably stressed and freaking out. He laughed at me and told me that it was going to be alright. I was more than anything mad that my dad was so oblivious to me- he made me feel so stupid for locking my keys in the car (I know- first mistake…), and made me doubt his ability or desire to help me, let alone form coherent sentences. I felt foolish for trusting him to be there for me. He was so cold and strange to me. It’s so weird because my dad and I have shared a really tight bond throughout my life- I have so many times considered him to be my best friend, He is always so stable and sturdy, the perfect antidote to my girlish whims and excitements- he usually is so grounding and rational- calming rock in the midst of stormy turmoil. Why tonight? What was going on!? I want to know why- why was my dad talking to me like an alien? And why could this perfect stranger so willing offer me love and comfort? Does that seem right? I submit that it does not…

Final thought on the matter: After I came home and decompressed a little from my stress, I turned on itunes on my computer. As it was on shuffle, the hymn, “Be Still My Soul,” (LDS hymnbook, # 124) came on. The lyrics really struck a chord with me- I like the characterization of a loving, constant father, a HEAVENLY Father, I guess. I’ve included them for your consideration:

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy

God to order and provide; In ev’ry change He

faithful will remain. Be still my soul: thy best, the heavn’ly

Friend Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul: thy God doth undertake

to guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy

confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious

shall be bright at last. Be still my soul: The waves and winds still

know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still my soul: The hour is hast’ning on

when we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment,

grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love’s

purest joys restored. Be still my soul; when change and tears are

past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Apply as needed.

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