too proud for love

I know that both of these songs (CLICK! CLICK!) are so incredibly old, but I feel them both so much right now. I am going to bed tonight feeling confused, apprehensive and maybe even a little bit worried. I miss feeling comforted.

A wise woman told me to try to have more charity today. Another one encouraged me to have more faith. What's left? Hope. I have a lot of hope, almost in absurd quantities that should perhaps give cause for concern but rarely do.

I think I am going to get those other two working better/more for me. I've heard they work best together.

 

I apologize, I don't know where this image actually came from , I have had it saved on my hard drive for a very very long time, but it basically epitomizes my feelings at this moment. Like... all of them, especially that tornado and that heart.

thnxxxgiv 2k11

I embark tomorrow morning for the great (not yet) white north land.
My hopes are high, mostly because north = reunion with Marge, whom I love immensely.
I am armed with music in my pocket from a sweet boy, a homemade map and a tank full of gas.

Also I learned to sing Jingle Bells in German today. It''s good to remember the languages you learn.

I will conquer the prairie in the morning.

I have been here for a month and I feel like a failure

I had a goal to feel settled here in four weeks.
It has been one month exactly since I arrived.
I do not yet feel secure not settled.
Was that an unrealistic timeline?
Or have I really failed?

In other news, sometimes I don't want to do things that my church (read: only) friends want to do (read:FHE).
But I have been reading about the Renaissance for three hours, and I need a break.
It makes me wish that I had other friends here who could give me alternative options.
I miss you.

Помогите! Pomogite! [pama'gi:te]

Once upon a time, I lived with an amazing woman.

Now she is in Russia.

This is a video about the project she made... Care to help?

Go here for more infos.

You'd know it if you saw it.

Also!

(Apparently I have a lot to say today...)

This poem PERFECTLY describes a lot of my feelings of late.


Click to listen and read along!

DTRs

On a long drive recently, I came into a conversation where a friend recounted an episode where two male friends (hers, not mine) engaged themselves in a contest to see who could have the most DTRs  (click the link if you are confused. Only read the top five definitions.) in one month. It began as serious, and then turned into a joke where they were eventually DTRing with people they just barely met just to rack up their numbers. I was struck at the idea of DTRing everyone... probably fueled by an overpowering sense of insecurity and desire to receive some feedback. With the story and high hopes in my pocket, I set off to DTR with as many of my friends as possible. I figured that I am leaving this place in a little over a month, so it would be nice to have the tablets of my heart inscribed with a discussion of where our relationships stood.
Some of these conversations were horrible; others beautifully enlightening and heartwarming; a few were surprising. From the various reactions, I earned a few things about friendships, and mostly a few things about myself. Perhaps I will write more on that last it later.
For now, though, I have learned that:

1. relationships are sacred
   For most people, the beginning of the DTR was impossible, because the things we value about each other are deeply held beliefs and they are difficult to access because there isn't frequent discussion of this sort. Once that place was accessed, however, what spewed forth was tender and moving. This usually accompanied the realization that there are many things that are, in fact, indefinable about relationships. 

2. defensiveness is counterproductive
   Of the DTRs I had, a few went like this:
 me: So. What's going on between us? Like... where do we stand?
 them: Uhm... i don't know. what do you mean?
me: I am doing this project where I DTR as many times as I can. I was just wondering how it is that YOU define our relationship, I guess.
 them: I don't know. Is there a problem?
 me: I don't think so, I was just thinking it would be nice to talk to you and see where we stand. I really value your friendship, and I feel like it would be nice to see how you felt.
 them: oh- I don't know.
 These were rather unfulfilling, and helped me see more clearly that defensiveness is counterproductive... to everything. No progress was made in our relationship(s), and I extrapolated that there cannot be progress made in any realm if defensiveness is keeping you back. I myself am guilty of this, and perhaps can use this example to correct my folly in this area.

3. i need people, and people need me
  I learned this from so many of my friends. Many said it to me in telling me about how we improve one another, and how we build one another. I have long believed that the reason we have friends is to see the goodness in our own selves. What a marvelous blessing.

4. i can be good at listening and asking the right questions.
 This is becoming an increasing skill. I am working on it, and I can feel myself improving.

DTRs can be powerful good.
In other news, I sent a letter and told someone that I might love them.

Is that what you do? So do I!

this rendition of this song is totally horrible;
last weekend was the opposite of horrible.

  

why not have a three-legged visit to a horde celebration of freedom with an fellow non-consumer?

 

(this guy was impressed with our skillz.)

then M. B.'s feet got tired.

 

oh hey, K$$.

uhm, M.B...?

dat's better!!

snaxxx

 

and then we slept in that treehouse again. seriously so good.

I'm pretty sure we both look the best in the morning. ;(

 

'lil temple excursion down to Manti. Purely joyous.

 

Don't we look happy?

 

Photochopping skillz.

I am grateful for my friends. Here's to one-and-a-half months of summery goodness.

sometimes

sometimes bestiefriends come to town.

and then this happens:

and it is good.

very good.

By way of update(s)

oh hey.
So I just got back from an incredible and excruciating trip to New York, wherein I attended the annual conference for the College Art Association.
It was terrific on so so many levels. I will attempt to elucidate them here:
-The girls. The art history girls. in my department there is a particularly high quantity of fantastic human beings. If you are wondering about who-to-date in Provo, and you are a fine male-type, these women are it. Seriously. They have personalities that range from serious and passionately committed, seeking and open to the world, adventurous and fun to spunky and hilarious. Pure love for all of them.
-The conference. I learned so much and was expanded in a beautiful way. I was nervous some of the time, but overall, I felt the benefits and the goodness of being completely engulfed in your discipline and the like-minded. It was good for me.
-The good news. I recieved some very tantalizing news that has served to assuage some of these concerns. I'll keep it to myself (and a select few of you to whom I've already leaked... you know who you are) for the time being, but it's good. I think it's really good.
-The city. I stayed with dear friend Jendar who lives in a lovely little apartment in Harlem. Her hospitality made the trip so delightful, and because of some other friends living in/visiting the city, I was able to branch out further and get a larger bite of the burroughs than most of my compatriots. Delightful time all-around.
-The art. It might seem obvious (and it should): I love art. Sometimes I think that I actually hate art when I am standing in a room chalked full of Renaissance biblical illustration, but really, in my core, I love it. I fully came to this realization when I stumbled upon the work of long-time-favorite artist Alexander Calder.

via

It was like visiting with an old friend who you haven't seen for far-too-long, and you just can't wait to remember why it was that you fell so hard for them. I stood in that gallery for fifteen minutes at least, just using my own breath to make the composition move. I felt the depths of wonder and love that come from interacting with and knowing a work of art. It was  a beautiful experience as those little white dots danced around in the air, just like the work's namesake, a Snow Flurry. Beautiful. 

In the same gallery, I interacted a little less legally with one of Duchamp's works:

via

I pushed that wheel, and set off a tizzy of rage and anxiety from the security guard whose sole duty in life is to protect that from happening. Well.  I'm not sorry; that bicycle wheel was put on the stool for the intent of moving. Duchamp put it in his studio so that he could explore what kinetics are, he wanted to see the composition of movement. So did I.

-The people. I made a few new friends in Nueva York that I am happy to report as my own. If you are reading, it was nice to meet you. Thank you for being good.

So that was New York. It was perfect.

In other news, I have a lot to say. I am formulating a lot of thoughts and things that I may or may not say here (I'm not sure if this is the right venue for some things...). Please take everything with a grain of salt, and don't think things are directed at you in future posts which might be (slightly) angsty... I'm not into passive aggressive blogging (or anything, really). Like Beyonce, "I'm not gonna dis you on the internet, 'cuz my mama taught me better than that".

december: a review, etc.

Phew! December was B.U.S.Y.
so a few MAJOR things happened December 2010.

I graduated from BYU with a BA in Art History and Curatorial Studies. Want to hire me?
I went to the temple to be endowed. It was incredible and beautiful and overwhelming and great. So great. BFF Kara came with me- the perfect choice.
My dad moved to Mexico.
My dad's BFF died tragically of a heart-attack while mountain biking (SUPER awful).
My baby Brother landed in and began his mission in Germany. He is in Bamburg currently.
I became unemployed.

that's basically it. I guess it's sort of a lot for one month. Oh yeah- add that to Christmas and New Years with all the hubub that entails. New Years was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. this year (usually one of my LEAST favorite holidays) because it was rather low key, and somehow really incredible and fun. You should find an excuse to have a dance party in the street sometime. It's great.

This new year is going to be full of adventure. I'm feeling a little apprehensive about things as I write this and come to the realization that a lot of things in my life depend on other people's acceptance of me as a person:

+I am applying to 5 graduate schools. So many people will be judging the paper representatives of me in the coming months.

+I given pressure for the first time EVER over Christmas festivities about not dating anyone/being wed. The prospect of dating someone is intimately tied with another person's acceptance and love of me.

+My house has taken a dramatic shift; the end of an era, some have called it. Three new random housemates incur a great deal of stress in the notion that they might hate us and our house's culture.
   -one of them flirts with every male-type who has entered our house thus far- 
   -one of them I have never seen-

In the meantime, I am working at the Central Utah Arts Center. It is Awesome. You should probably check it out.
I write press releases for their shows, and sometimes do other stuff. I'll post the latest.

Break.

Thanksgiving break begins in five minutes.
I haven't really thoroughly decided yet how I feel about that  fact. Mostly I feel unprepared for it.
I also feel like it will not really be a break at all. Hopefully I will be able to let you know about my projects throughout the week. There are a lot of them, and SOME of them are actually sort of exciting. Sort of.

Anyways, Here is the question:
Do I
a. Spend Thanksgiving at home with the 3/8 of the Brown siblingdom
b. Go up to Ogden to be fought over by adoring fans, or
c. Go to Heber with dear friend Jeff to have sup with his family.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Any one of the options might be immeasurably awkward. I guess it all depends on what I wear.

So this one time I went to Europe...

...and there are a lot of really really great things there. I resent the fact that I have not really talked about it much on here. My selective neglect is unfortunate, and it will continue. However, there are a few things that I DEFINITELY feel like you should know.


One of the great things that I did while I was in Europe, was play this little game that my friend K$$ and Chunk play on our round-the-world travels. It involves this website. It is very funny, and you should consider playing it.

So there's a lot of public art around in Europe, you know? This is one example.

So. Back to that game.

It's pretty fun to play.

Sometimes I  like to go to the steps of really famous architects in places like Paris. I like that a lot.

There are more.
I will try to share them with you sometime.

Promise I will try.

-A

why I did it

I submitted my thesis for publication this week.
I got an email (so much less classy than a letter) that confirmed receipt of my "manuscript".

I would like to review the events that led up to this event in hopes to assuage the sudden and immense sense of dread that I am presently feeling about the whole debacle.

Since I got back from Europe, I haven't really done much of anything except attempt to recover my

a. sanity and 

b. regular pace. 

Now that I have finally gotten those back, it seems that my last semester is begging for me to loose them again. A grad seminar class (there used to be two of them, but I realized I was in over my head), three undergrad classes, a brand new (sort of intimidating) calling in church, a position in a presidency at school,  prepping for the GRE and praying with all of prayer parts to get into a good grad school, a baby brother leaving on a mission, the garden, and any attempt at a social-life-outlet are all semi-huge demands. Oh. And my family is crazy, in case you forgot that little detail.

Fortunately, It's fall. For me, fall is a time of total rejuvenation and preparation. I feel the best in the fall. Maybe because it's the last vestiges of summer, and maybe because I was born in the fall. I take a lot of cues from trees (it seems to be sort of a theme for me on this here blog thingy...). In the fall, trees drop all that stuff that's not super important for their survival (fact: trees drop their leaves because if they didn't, the dead weight would tip them over. That is neat: also a fact.) I like the way fall shakes things up. I want to shake too.

So there I was, talking with kb about nothing in particular. I love that girl. We were laughing, and I felt a sudden sense of urgency, like, I hadn't done enough yet, and if I didn't act RIGHT THEN, my opportunity would be lost.

I came in my room and for an hour (1am-2am...) figured out what to do to submit, tidied up an abstract I'd been mulling over, and sent them away into the void of the internets. Goodbye, forever? Maybe...

To be totally honest, I didn't think about it. I just went and brushed my teeth and went to bed. It wasn't until I got this stupid email confirming that my "manuscript" had been received that I began to freak out. Talk about inopportune timing, universe. Jeeze. I was having a really good evening too!

Anyways, now I am feeling really nervous and self-conscious about everything.  I guess I don't really ever put myself into situations where there's a slight chance that I could be rejected. This was probably a good step for me. But for the moment, it sucks.

ps. Doesn't the term "manuscript" usually connote something a little more like this:

than this:

 

yeah...

Tonight is one of those nights...

 

 ...that I know I will miss someday in the not-that-distant future. 

 The lights on the porch are shining into my bedroom, casting their soft friendliness onto my bed and inviting me to bask here. I can hear laughter and quiet chatter from people that I love.  People in the delicious community which I have helped to build and the circle of people who are rooted in a love for one another- true fiends.

I hate getting sentimental before I have to.

But my heart feels like fall. It's beautiful now, but I can feel winter coming on. The future is unwritten, and I know that the decisions forthcoming will challenge my current conditions in unprecedented ways.

some thoughts to start the year off

First, a disclaimer: these are totally unedited, random thoughts. Since this post will not be a cohesive argument, I'll bullet things out for you, so as not to get things fuddled. Also, it might be kinda long. Sorry. Kinda. No- I take that back. Not sorry... you don't have to read this all. :)

• I love all the 'best of the decade' playlists currently running on the radio. since the CD player in my car doesn't work, I'm left entirely to the whim of the local djs. Fortunately for me, there is one singular saving grace in the state of Utah as far as radio broadcasting goes. Basically, their playlist for the past week has been my entire ipod sans a few country secret indulgences and some oldies I can't let go of. So, no complaints there. Excellent. Thank you, independent, local, PERFECT radio. I'll miss you if I ever leave the state.
• I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I've pushed graduation back an entire year to allow myself a little semblance of extra time. I hope that it helps and I don't get lost in the mire of day-to-day again. I hate that, and I am working on focusing on long term. If i were to say I had any, that would be my new year's resolution. Think long term, act short term. I've started that goal by editing and re-editing my class load for the coming semester, and quit Job 1. Next step: go to class.
• I love my house so much. Courtney just moved in, and Meghan is on her way. Our house is already crazy and it seems like everyone and their dog (sometimes literally) come here. ALL THE TIME. (more on that later...) this coming semester is going to be even more socially full, because these ladies, in addition to the ones that already inhabit, come with an entourage. I'm sure we'll be seeing some of you around much more.

via

• Christmas was hard, expectedly so. I am grateful to my cousins and my brother for being such excellent support. I need to do some sort of dedication to my baby brother sometime soon. You'd love him if you met him. Promise.

More to come soon...