today was okay.

First I woke up pretty early and went to the Temple. gosh, I love that place. I could talk more about it, but I would rather tell you in real life. You should ask me sometime.

And then I came home and read books forever. I literally CANNOT wait until I get to choose the books I read again. It's not that I DIDN'T want to read these books, it's more that I wouldn't choose them... ever.

And finally, I went to a roller derby. Hello cool, and HELLO to my new favorite sport.

And now my boobs hurt and are tired of being looked at and it's time to go to sleep.

Happy Easter.

Sincerely.

today i hung

about 40 works in my museum. I am co-curating a show about the wars fought by Native Americans from the 1850's-1890's. You know: Custer and Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull and all of those guys. It's a really hard show to do, and the content weighs heavy on me most of the time. It felt good to see my work being actualized and my ideas hung on walls. I am getting better at maths because of the practice of hanging stuff up. Eye level is 59 inches.

Sometimes my boss and I get into conversations that are pretty intense and she cries. Other times we talk about Wonder Woman and her kids. I like both of these types of conversations for different reasons. Sometimes I want to cry with her (only once, I did). I told her about that time that my mom made a Wonder Woman Halloween costume for me as an adult (I think I was 23...), and she looked like she was going to pass out with joy at the prospect of an adult person (me) seriously wearing such a getup, not to mention the fact that it was made by my mom. I felt sheepish, but also awesome. I like that she indulges and maybe even exacerbates my utter nerdiness. She is a good and curious person to me.

My head feels like it was dipped in a vat of suck and that then coagulated into more suck that is now stuck inside my sinuses. I never get sick. I need someone to take care of me.

I need to read a book for tomorrow, but on the other hand, I would rather just go to bed (blogging as a happy medium?). I cannot seem to be interested in a book about colonial African birthing practices; there is a lot that I don't know, and a lot that I don't really have entrance points to. I hope seminar tomorrow will be okay and not-overwhelming. That class makes me so vomit-y-nervous.

 I really enjoyed listening  to this today. It fit into a lot of the things I have been thinking about lately. Someone submitted an artwork to me (for this, my baby), that was called something like "Indian on a Bike". I really liked it, more than almost any other work I have yet seen for that contest. I mostly liked the artist's statement, which was simple: "Indians ride bikes too".

 (via)

(This was NOT the image, simply an amusing/amazing image that shows up when one searches "Indian on a Bicycle" via Google Image. I like it.)

Don't forget that. Indians ride bikes too.

quagmire

I am at a loss.
I can't write anything, and I can't ask questions. Of anything.
This needs to pass quickly- I haven't got time for drawn-out episodes of confusion/desultory effort.

Done (This one's for Dog)!!

I'm done with a super-massive project I had been working on all semester.
It feels good to finish something that's sort of huge.
It is scary to me that this project is emblematic of my undergraduate career. In a few short weeks, I will be done with that also. Apprehension is huge, and I have no idea how I will fill up my life for 8 months.
 Suggestions? Anyone?

Anyone looking for a live-in nanny or maid?

In other news, my fish Dog died today. I have had him for over a year- since Brandon came up here. I got him because B was lonely in his first semester, and we felt that a fish would help ease the sting of his first time out on his own a bit (we can all remember those scary nights, when you realized that your burning Easy Mac was [soooo much like the paper I just wrote] emblematic of your melting social stamina and general well-being because really, you missed your mom and wanted to just lay down and have someone else worry about the gas bills that are due, and the fact that you are probably malnourished [srsly, Easy Mac!?], can't we?).

(I acknowledge and accept the ramifications of:
1. Run on nature of the last parenthetical sentence.
2. The disgusting-ness of aforementioned. Sorry.)

thanks for the graphic, cfp

Anyways, B found some friends, and then he decided he was unfit to care for Dog. So I got him. Apparently I am no more fit a care-taker for a fish named Dog than he was. I left the country for two months, and miracle-of-miracles, the little tyke survived. In spite of an aerosol nightmare and being fed by roommates twice. Maybe. Dog was a survivor, so hats off to him.

The Great Toilet in The Sky catches us all someday, I guess.

why I did it

I submitted my thesis for publication this week.
I got an email (so much less classy than a letter) that confirmed receipt of my "manuscript".

I would like to review the events that led up to this event in hopes to assuage the sudden and immense sense of dread that I am presently feeling about the whole debacle.

Since I got back from Europe, I haven't really done much of anything except attempt to recover my

a. sanity and 

b. regular pace. 

Now that I have finally gotten those back, it seems that my last semester is begging for me to loose them again. A grad seminar class (there used to be two of them, but I realized I was in over my head), three undergrad classes, a brand new (sort of intimidating) calling in church, a position in a presidency at school,  prepping for the GRE and praying with all of prayer parts to get into a good grad school, a baby brother leaving on a mission, the garden, and any attempt at a social-life-outlet are all semi-huge demands. Oh. And my family is crazy, in case you forgot that little detail.

Fortunately, It's fall. For me, fall is a time of total rejuvenation and preparation. I feel the best in the fall. Maybe because it's the last vestiges of summer, and maybe because I was born in the fall. I take a lot of cues from trees (it seems to be sort of a theme for me on this here blog thingy...). In the fall, trees drop all that stuff that's not super important for their survival (fact: trees drop their leaves because if they didn't, the dead weight would tip them over. That is neat: also a fact.) I like the way fall shakes things up. I want to shake too.

So there I was, talking with kb about nothing in particular. I love that girl. We were laughing, and I felt a sudden sense of urgency, like, I hadn't done enough yet, and if I didn't act RIGHT THEN, my opportunity would be lost.

I came in my room and for an hour (1am-2am...) figured out what to do to submit, tidied up an abstract I'd been mulling over, and sent them away into the void of the internets. Goodbye, forever? Maybe...

To be totally honest, I didn't think about it. I just went and brushed my teeth and went to bed. It wasn't until I got this stupid email confirming that my "manuscript" had been received that I began to freak out. Talk about inopportune timing, universe. Jeeze. I was having a really good evening too!

Anyways, now I am feeling really nervous and self-conscious about everything.  I guess I don't really ever put myself into situations where there's a slight chance that I could be rejected. This was probably a good step for me. But for the moment, it sucks.

ps. Doesn't the term "manuscript" usually connote something a little more like this:

than this:

 

yeah...

My mother understands trees

My mother is a master tree steward. She loves trees. I think she loves me too. I had a hard conversation with her last night- I am coming upon a time of great trepidation and nothing seems certain for me in the coming year. I look forward to it with hesitation and a sense of unknowing and frankly, fear. 

I walk in BYU's Summer term graduation ceremony in a week. I am terrified. It's the beginning of the end of this incubation which I am not ready to leave just yet. I don't know where to go- I have no home but this one.  will not have a job beginning in January (which seems like a long ways away, but really is rather pressing.)

My mom interrupted my tears and told me about trees. She said that it's so tempting to take a sapling that is just starting and plant stakes deep into the ground on its sides and tie it so that it will grow up straight and true.

via

She went on and told me that those are the trees without substance- without any strength or soul. When trees are growing in the wild, they encounter a barrage of insults and challenges. They don't all make it- and they DEFINITELY aren't all perpendicular to the earth. And as wild trees are growing, the winds and storms that push them around cause tiny deaths within the pulp of the tree- micro fractures in their structure.  

via

The good news is this: as these micro fractures heal, the tree takes what it has learned from the wind, from the death caused by its incessant pushing, and strengthens itself there. That dead material becomes strong wood that holds the tree against future storms. This old, fractured part moves outward to become a fortress of bark, and new material is allowed to grow within that stern exterior. 

New life flows from the ends of the branches.

via

These are the trees that are strong. These are the ones with substance and soul- ones who defend themselves against dearth of water and against pestilence. 

My mother understand what it means to be wild- what it means to be grounded. I question her in so many ways and against so many things. I don't know if I know how to trust her, or anyone for that matter. I think I need to learn from the trees and learn again how to trust myself. 

No stakes.

CONSTANT Procrasination

In honor of the title of this post, I'd like the internets (that's YOU!) to be aware that I have not done ANY homework this semester. That's right. ZERO. All of the reading I've done thus far is purely for pleasure. I feel great and a twinge sicky about it... I mean... maybe it's just burnout, but I maybe should get busy. I have to:
-write my thesis (which so far is AWFUL... i mean AWFUL, AWFUL).
-decide what to write about re: the Northern Baroque (tossing around ideas about costume in paintings like this one - [yes the girl's face IS creepy] or this one... just thinking.)
-do ANYTHING for my other three classes. I have no idea where to start. Maybe the syllabi.

This is great, considering that I MUST do well this semester in order to get into grad school. Read that MUST... meaning no fudging it this year. It's mandatory quality this time. I have to get busy. But first, I have to throw a birthday party and clean my room.

some thoughts to start the year off

First, a disclaimer: these are totally unedited, random thoughts. Since this post will not be a cohesive argument, I'll bullet things out for you, so as not to get things fuddled. Also, it might be kinda long. Sorry. Kinda. No- I take that back. Not sorry... you don't have to read this all. :)

• I love all the 'best of the decade' playlists currently running on the radio. since the CD player in my car doesn't work, I'm left entirely to the whim of the local djs. Fortunately for me, there is one singular saving grace in the state of Utah as far as radio broadcasting goes. Basically, their playlist for the past week has been my entire ipod sans a few country secret indulgences and some oldies I can't let go of. So, no complaints there. Excellent. Thank you, independent, local, PERFECT radio. I'll miss you if I ever leave the state.
• I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I've pushed graduation back an entire year to allow myself a little semblance of extra time. I hope that it helps and I don't get lost in the mire of day-to-day again. I hate that, and I am working on focusing on long term. If i were to say I had any, that would be my new year's resolution. Think long term, act short term. I've started that goal by editing and re-editing my class load for the coming semester, and quit Job 1. Next step: go to class.
• I love my house so much. Courtney just moved in, and Meghan is on her way. Our house is already crazy and it seems like everyone and their dog (sometimes literally) come here. ALL THE TIME. (more on that later...) this coming semester is going to be even more socially full, because these ladies, in addition to the ones that already inhabit, come with an entourage. I'm sure we'll be seeing some of you around much more.

via

• Christmas was hard, expectedly so. I am grateful to my cousins and my brother for being such excellent support. I need to do some sort of dedication to my baby brother sometime soon. You'd love him if you met him. Promise.

More to come soon...