shout out

I love these people. 

Now back to homework.

Break.

Thanksgiving break begins in five minutes.
I haven't really thoroughly decided yet how I feel about that  fact. Mostly I feel unprepared for it.
I also feel like it will not really be a break at all. Hopefully I will be able to let you know about my projects throughout the week. There are a lot of them, and SOME of them are actually sort of exciting. Sort of.

Anyways, Here is the question:
Do I
a. Spend Thanksgiving at home with the 3/8 of the Brown siblingdom
b. Go up to Ogden to be fought over by adoring fans, or
c. Go to Heber with dear friend Jeff to have sup with his family.

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Any one of the options might be immeasurably awkward. I guess it all depends on what I wear.

blargh, but good.

I am taking a break at work right now, I am inexorably tired of searching for a large enough resolution of the Vatican Tetrarchs (that didn't mean anything to you either? weird...)

I think my last post was taken as a little more morose than I had originally intended. Sorry for that. This one, in contrast will probably either be the other end of the spectrum, likely causing you (dear reader), to think that I am manic depressive, or totally bipolar. I am neither, I just have my good and bad days, just like the rest of us (right guys?? Right?).

I feel spectacular today. I talked to my dear sweet sister last night, and she pointed out that despite things being rough sometimes, we just keep going on, always trying to be the best people we can. She said that she liked that I already did that, and that made me feel ever-so nice inside. What a good human she is. Really, truly a gem.

I am aware of the general roughness of the family situation right now, which doesn't seem to be improving by any means. That doesn't mean that I have to carry it around with me every day- that is one of the best things about the gospel, I think. I have come to learn that there is a lot of healing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ- He is such a kind and loving being. I have come to know (however imprefectly) the power of the Atonement to heal broken hearts and to take pain away. It is a beautiful thing to me to have a Savior who loves me to the point of wanting to take away my pain. I know that it is rooted in love- there is no other explaination available for it. It has been hard and I am sure that things will remain hard, if not increasingly so. I have felt an outpouring of support from family and a few friends over the past week (not to mention the past few years for some of them...), and I am incredibly grateful for the love and help that is so abundantly available to me. What a terrific community.

To finish, a list of good things about today:
1. A professor who I esteem highly complimented my research today.
2. The weather is perfect. 100% divine.
3. My brother. I love that kid so so so much.
4. My house is chocked full of fantastic women. So smart, and so able, all of them.
5. I have a fighting chance of getting into graduate schools.
6 Interaction with crush No.1 went swimmingly today.

7. I am wearing my grandpa's belt (the one with the eagle swooping on the dinnerplate sized buckle). Good in its own right. On every level.


Celebratory wahoo, especially for a not-that-bad Monday. Yes, Please.

it was hard

really really hard to talk to my dad this morning. I wanted to vomit and cry and scream at him because I am disappointed and sad and so so mad about everything and feel so betrayed and abandoned, and about the fact that I cannot trust, and i wanted to tell him about what I believe about how we have to support one another because we promised to, and we promise to every week, and I wanted to comfort him because that is what I promise to do. Every week.

But I was scared that it would feel like talking to mom last Sunday felt: awful and dark. I hated that, and I didn't really know how to deal with it on any level. I just took a shower and cried and tried to understand the things she had said, and the things that I had said and was still saying inside my head. And then I got out of that shower and cried some more on the shoulders of some incredible women, and I think for once, I let people do what they promise to do. Every week.




Instead I just told him that I wished he was happy and I hope that things work out.

What things was I hoping would work out? I regret not telling him how I feel.

I am scared that I am shutting down again.

So this one time I went to Europe...

...and there are a lot of really really great things there. I resent the fact that I have not really talked about it much on here. My selective neglect is unfortunate, and it will continue. However, there are a few things that I DEFINITELY feel like you should know.


One of the great things that I did while I was in Europe, was play this little game that my friend K$$ and Chunk play on our round-the-world travels. It involves this website. It is very funny, and you should consider playing it.

So there's a lot of public art around in Europe, you know? This is one example.

So. Back to that game.

It's pretty fun to play.

Sometimes I  like to go to the steps of really famous architects in places like Paris. I like that a lot.

There are more.
I will try to share them with you sometime.

Promise I will try.

-A